Alex McDermott (ajm4) wrote,
Alex McDermott

I Can't Smile Without You

A question: Has anyone else ever woken up to the realisation that their life is an utter, living nightmare?

Looking at my desk calendar, I see that it's Saturday, 17th of June.
This means that I have done absolutely nothing constructive for well over a month. Where on earth did all the time go? I have serious, important things I need to be doing, like translating legally binding contracts I'm expected to sign from German into English, winning the heart of a beautiful maiden, etc etc etc.

But this time has to all intents and purposes disappeared; I promise each and every one of you that I have not deliberately wasted it. It's just gone, never to return, much like my youth and my years of opportunity.
I'm only writing this for something to do really; if people comment, it's nice to know that someone out there would miss me if I disappeared forever.
I was planning to write a sort of chronicle of my university years, but I keep putting it off for fear it will depress me too much, remind me of all those things I didn't do.
I'm also in the curious position of not responding to people's social overtures (despite complaining about my loneliness), on the basis that I have nothing really to talk about; I don't want to bore people, and once you've sat on your own for a certain length of time, it doesn't seem quite so bad. In fact, it just seems like your lot, something you have to live with.

Contrary to popular belief, I really don't enjoy moaning. I've just reached one of those (fairly) frequent points where I wonder quite what it is that separates me from the rest of humankind.
There must be something.
Why is it that I always like people far more than they like me?
Am I too forward, too clingy? Or do I just focus on the wrong people? Maybe I'm just an idiot.
Although thinking you're an idiot for hoping someone would like you after you've made the effort is not really a healthy mindset. But if the cap fits...

Life should be better than this, more meaningful. I'm sure of it. What kind of a cruel joke would my life be if this was my lot, all I had to look forward to?
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