Alex McDermott (ajm4) wrote,
Alex McDermott
ajm4

I Can't Smile Without You

A question: Has anyone else ever woken up to the realisation that their life is an utter, living nightmare?

Looking at my desk calendar, I see that it's Saturday, 17th of June.
This means that I have done absolutely nothing constructive for well over a month. Where on earth did all the time go? I have serious, important things I need to be doing, like translating legally binding contracts I'm expected to sign from German into English, winning the heart of a beautiful maiden, etc etc etc.

But this time has to all intents and purposes disappeared; I promise each and every one of you that I have not deliberately wasted it. It's just gone, never to return, much like my youth and my years of opportunity.
I'm only writing this for something to do really; if people comment, it's nice to know that someone out there would miss me if I disappeared forever.
I was planning to write a sort of chronicle of my university years, but I keep putting it off for fear it will depress me too much, remind me of all those things I didn't do.
I'm also in the curious position of not responding to people's social overtures (despite complaining about my loneliness), on the basis that I have nothing really to talk about; I don't want to bore people, and once you've sat on your own for a certain length of time, it doesn't seem quite so bad. In fact, it just seems like your lot, something you have to live with.

Contrary to popular belief, I really don't enjoy moaning. I've just reached one of those (fairly) frequent points where I wonder quite what it is that separates me from the rest of humankind.
There must be something.
Why is it that I always like people far more than they like me?
Am I too forward, too clingy? Or do I just focus on the wrong people? Maybe I'm just an idiot.
Although thinking you're an idiot for hoping someone would like you after you've made the effort is not really a healthy mindset. But if the cap fits...

Life should be better than this, more meaningful. I'm sure of it. What kind of a cruel joke would my life be if this was my lot, all I had to look forward to?
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 11 comments